WN...something

What was that thing called we used to do...?
WNG? No, that sounds wrong.
WGN. No, that's the Cubs' station.
WMD. Crap, I'm gonna get this. There was a definitely a W in there. Wait...it's coming to me...W...N...D! Oh, baby! I got it! Wednesday Night Drinks!
I want to win something for remembering, like a plaque or a windbreaker, but I guess a quiet sense of accomplishment will just have to suffice.

Join Jay and me this Wednesday after 8:00 at:

The Roger Room

370 N La Cienega Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90048
Neighborhoods: Mid-City West, West Hollywood

Hope to see you there,
Jeremy

Classy WND

To those of you who always have class Wednesday nights, I've spoken with your instructors. They told me to tell you to go ahead and skip this week's session, explaining that you need time off from your recent classwork which has been "muddy," "scattered" and "overwrought." Hey, their words, not mine.

Instead, join Jay and me this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

Hinano Cafe

15 Washington Blvd
Venice, CA 90292
Cross Ocean: The Pacific

Jeremy

P.S. Special deals for those planning to come see me in "Taming of the Shrew":
* "Half-Price Advance" Tickets -- Wednesday March 25th, 8 pm
* "Pay What You Can" Tickets -- Thursday, Match 26th, 8 pm
(I'm assuming they mean pay as little as you can, since some people are fully capable of paying thousands of dollars. They should really be more clear.)
Call the box office @ 818-240-0910 to make reservations.

Birthday Message WND

Today is Jay's birthday (!), so I was curious as to how he'd slip that into his wnd invite -- little did I know how obvious he'd be. Here's what he wrote, the numbered (decrypting) footnotes being my own:

"WND hasn't gone away(1), it's just cutting(2) back on its hours, so no one loses their job(3). Come join Jeremy and me after 8:30 for our first WND of the new year!"

(1) - "gone away" is clearly an anagram for "age? no way!"
(2) - "cutting" . . . as in cutting birthday cake?? Real subtle, Jay.
(3) - "job," as in Steve Jobs whose birthday is February 24th, exactly 14 days after Jay's, or 2 weeks, 2 being the smallest prime number, prime containing the letters r e m, as in remember, as in remember my birthday...we get it, already! Ease up, man!

Anyway, come celebrate the birthday boy for real (Huzzah!) this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

3rd Stop
8636 W 3rd St
Los Angeles, CA 90048
Cross Street: George Burns Road

Jeremy

WND With That Guy

The time of year for reflection is once again upon us, so it's no surprise that the online listing for this week's venue includes a photo of a reflective man. Let's gaze at him together and ask ourselves some important questions. What is he pondering? What would I be pondering if I were that guy? Would a square-backed haircut have been more flattering? Why is he holding his right arm up with his left? Did he accidentally super-glue it to his forearm? Would the girl to the left be talking to him if he were wearing a nicer shirt?

For further insight, join Jay, me and Vin (the guy definitely looks like a Vin) this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

Rush Street
9546 Washington Blvd
Culver City, CA 90232
Cross Street: Culver Blvd

Happy Holidays!
Jeremy

A Righteous WND

Victory! Everyone needs to be as blissful as I am about both my Philadelphia Phillies and Obama winning their respective championships. Aren't you just sick of people who don't agree with me about absolutely everything? Me too. I realize some of you stupidly rooted for other baseball teams (nice foresight, genius), or voted for the wrong guy because you hate America/yourself, but too bad. As a first step, let's agree that the DH is stupid and if you voted for Prop 8, you're a complete and utter moron. See, we can bridge differences.

Join Jay and me this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

Mission Cantina
5946 W Sunset Blvd
Hollywood, CA 90028
Cross Street: Tamarind

Jeremy

You really must go WND

My bride-to-be and I have decided on a locale for our honeymoon -- the Amalfi coast. We've saved up nearly 65 Euros, so should be pretty much covered for the two-week trip. I'm excited, but worry that I'll return spouting such tripe as "Oh, you simply must visit if you have the chance," "The views are spectacular: you'll never see anything like it" and "The food is just incredible."

Whenever some windbag prates on and on about his vacation, I invariably paste a dopey smile on my face and shake my head in supposed wonderment just to satisfy the speaker's need to be envied. "Wow, you went to Italy? Gosh, that's amazing. The food is incredible? Really? Thank god you're here to settle once and for all that hotly debated point. I can just see you there with your big, ugly camera around your big, ugly neck and your dumb map and your stupid Polo shirt and your loser baseball cap... get over yourself!"

Can you tell I'm worked up over the election? Join Jay and me this Wednesday after 9:00 at:

Hush Lounge

6533 Hollywood Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90028
Cross Street: Hudson

WND vs. IOC

I pity the poor discus thrower unable to win 8 gold medals in one olympics because his sport has only one damn event per olympics. There are different ways to swim, you say? Well, there are different ways to throw the discus: frisbee-style, flipping it like a coin-style, using a sporty-looking spatula and flipping it pancake-style -- am I that much smarter than the IOC?

Join Jay and me this Wednesday after 9:00 at:

Johnny's Cocktail Lounge

2939 W Sunset Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90026
Cross Street: Silver Lake

WND Tremors

Must I comment on the earthquake? Does its power reach even into the wnd invite? No, I refuse: the quake stops here. It may have gotten a 5.4 on Richter's Scale, but on the Wnd Scale, it gets a big fat zero.

Actually to be fair, it did wind up having a minor to light effect on this invite, so we'll give it a 2.7. But that's the gpa equivalent of a B minus, so good luck getting into an Ivy League school now, tough guy.

Join Jay and me this Wednesday after 9:00 at:

The Garter

2356 Lincoln Blvd
Venice, CA 90291
Cross Street: Grant

Interchangeable WND

In the wake of Baseball's marathon all-star game, it's incumbent upon me as commissioner of my own fantasy baseball league to publish the photo of last year's winner accepting the prestigious Diamond Dogs trophy ("Double-D Cup"). Seeing as the defending champion, Avniel, currently resides in India, I spent all the wedding/honeymoon money I was saving up to fly out there. I think you'll agree it was well worth it based on his mom's expression. (I don't remember where his dad was at the time.)

Raise a toast to Av with Jay and me this Wednesday after 9:00 at:

Roof Bar at the Standard Downtown

550 S Flower St
Los Angeles, CA 90071
Cross Street: 6th

Refueled WND

Why the long hiatus? I know what you're thinking... gas prices. You're close, but it's actually the soaring cost of wiper fluid. Sure, it's not as sexy as those other sob stories on NPR, but as you all know, the stress on the old pocketbook has been devastating. The fat cats in Big Fluid seem to think that since it doesn't rain much in southern California, we're not affected. Hello? Tell that to the insect genocide that accumulates on my windshield daily, not to mention the tree sap/bird crap. We need affordable cleaning fluid over here! I hope someday those bigwigs are forced to share in the penny-saving nightmare of pulling off to the shoulder of the 10 to steam-clean the glass with their breath, then rub it off on their sleeves like polishing an apple. Unable to endure the prospect of losing yet another wnd, I shifted into problem-solver mode this week to find a better solution: I've removed my windshield completely and just drive around in goggles. Eat that, corporate jerks.

As a reward for your patience, wednesdaynightdrinks.com has been totally revamped (a.k.a. vamped) in a brazen display of self-importance all in honor of our 10th year. Experience the magic by perusing past invites, learning about our storied history and adding snide, mean-spirited comments wherever you deem fit (salivating yet, Anthony?). After you get that out of your system, join Jay and me this Wednesday after 9:00 at:

Father's Office
(the other location)

3229 Helms Ave
Los Angeles, CA 90034
Cross Street: Venice

WND staying cool

From the out-of-ideas-for-bar-names file comes:

Air Conditioned

2819 Pico Blvd
Santa Monica, CA 90405
Cross Street: 28th

Join Jay and me this Wednesday after 9:00 to see if the place actually lives up to its name.

Haphazard WND

"What's with wnd? Is it happening this week?"
"I don't know. There's doesn't seem to be any kind of pattern. Sometimes it's weekly, sometimes it's monthly."
"I think Jay and Jeremy are lazy."
"No, they were just brought up poorly."
"Gosh, that's a little strong."
"Look, consistency is important. Parents need to drive that point home, and theirs clearly didn't."
"But Emerson said 'a foolish consistency is-'
"-don't you DARE quote Emerson to me! You understand? I know Emerson. I AM Emerson."
"You're Emerson?"
"Well, I'm certainly Emersonian."
"You can't call yourself 'Emersonian.' Someone else has to say that about you, like with 'handsome' or 'defiant.'"

We'll break away from eavesdropping on the voices in my head to invite you to join us this Wednesday after 9:00 at:

Tropicana Bar at the Roosevelt Hotel

7000 Hollywood Blvd
Hollywood, CA 90028
Cross Street: N Orange

[ed. The cast of "Iron Man" actually showed up. Some say it was because the premiere was across the street, but I know it's because Robert Downey Jr., Gwyneth Paltrow and Jon Favreau all caught a little thing I like to call "wnd fever."]

Jeremy
P.S. Thanks to everyone who came down to Newport Beach to see "Let Others Suffer." Next up on the circuit is The Seattle True Independent Film Fest followed by deadCENTER Film in Oklahoma City, so buy those plane tickets today!

Bully for WND

In this week's installment of "Bully on the Playground," I go back in time to harass European artists.

Henrik Ibsen:
"Hey, look everybody: it's Heinie Itchin! Why are you itching your heinie, Ib-shit? Write a well-made play about that, smart guy. You're dumb."

Marcel Proust:
"Hey, PrOWst! How's it going, PrOWst?"
"Non, c'est Prooost!"
"What's that, PrOWst? Why's your name PrOWst, Marcy? Marcy's a girl's name. You're a girl!"

Henri de Toulose-Lautrec:
"Toulouse? Too short is more like it, Tou-Loser!"

Next time on "Bully," I mess with former U.N. secretary generals with such ferocity that U Thant's forced to hide in the boys' bathroom all recess. Until then, join Jay and me this Wednesday after 9:00 at:

World Cafe

2820 Main St
Santa Monica, CA 90405
Cross Street: Hill

JDR & WND

In 3rd grade, I decided I didn't like the name Jeremy, so went by "J.J." instead. Since my middle name's David, that might seem peculiar, but I thought the more obvious "J.D." sounded too Texas-oilman-y ("Y'all get J.D. over here! I think we got us a gusher! Yee-Haw!"), so chose what I considered the next best thing. In the ensuing years, I reverted to Jeremy, but now feel the need to reinvent myself once again. I've studied every variation and winnowed it down to the following:

J.R. (I think the character from Dallas is sufficiently dated that I won't aggravate the Texas oilman problem)
J.U. (this has the added benefit of phonetically describing my ethnic background)
J.V. (I did of course crack varsity multiple times, so it would be ironic)
J.Z. (It looks less plagiarized as written than as spoken)
G.Q. (I think this one speaks for itself)

Join Jay and me to weigh in (literally) this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

Barcopa

2810 Main St
Santa Monica, CA 90405
Cross Street: Ashland

WNDiablo

(topical... must stay topical...)
Have you seen Diablo Cody's tattoo? I have a theory as to why she inked over the part that said "Jonny's Girl": she's no longer Jonny's Girl. Am I right?!
And how about Obama? Is this guy for real or what?! Exactly!
Zing!

Join Jay and me to retool my wnd invite strategy this Wednesday after 9:00 at:

Winston's

7746 Santa Monica Blvd
West Hollywood, CA 90046
Cross Street: Ogden

Vote WND

As Super Tuesday approaches, many candidates have been campaigning vigorously for my endorsement. I'm of course very flattered. I thanked Obama for his fruit basket, Hillary for that DVD of "Steel Magnolias" and John for a different DVD of "Steel Magnolias" (they should really coordinate better). To make an informed decision, I've put together a crack team of top advisors who have pointed out 1) this kind of endorsement is very different from writing-your-name-on-the-back-of-a-check endorsement (wish I'd known that earlier), and 2) I have to follow my heart. That said, I've decided to put my full support behind Wednesday Night Drinks.

I believe WND won't get caught up in the bitter partisanship of demonizing other opponents; I believe WND cares more about the future than the past, rightly hating the present; and finally I believe that WND stands for good friends and good laughs, something I think we can all get behind.

Join Jay and me to congratulate the candidate this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

Lou

724 N Vine St
Los Angeles, CA 90038
Cross Street: Camerford

WND, you're the piano man

I just heard Billy Joel's "Piano Man" piped in at Target, and take issue with one lyric: "Sing us a song, you're the piano man." Shouldn't it be "Play us a song, you're the piano man"? To be consistent, it would have to be "Sing us a song, you're the singing man." Otherwise, anything goes: "Sing us a song, you're the pharmacist," "Make us some lunch, you're the chair of Near-Eastern Studies at Amherst." Come on, Billy.

Come make love to your tonic and gin with Jay and me this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

The Woods

1533 N La Brea

Hollywood, CA 90028
Cross Street: Sunset

Jeremy
p.s. Thanks to all those who attended our film screening -- you can follow the movie's progress through the film festival circuit at letotherssuffer.com or my website.

WND = FND

"Wednesday Night Drinks on a Friday? Is that even possible?!"
Well, with God's help and a little elbow grease, it sure is.
Come join us for drinks this Friday after 6:00 at:

The Stinking Rose

55 N La Cienega Blvd
Beverly Hills, CA 90211

Cross Street: Wilshire

... before walking over to the FREE 7:30 SCREENING of:

"Let Others Suffer" @Beverly Hills Hi-Def Film Festival

8556 Wilshire Blvd
Beverly Hills, CA 90211

Cross Street: La Cienega
http://www.letotherssuffer.com/Bevhills2.html

... after which you can head right back to:

The Stinking Rose

55 N La Cienega Blvd
Beverly Hills, CA 90211

Cross Street: Wilshire

Now, that's a night of entertainment.

*January 4th*

There it is: a reminder that the same, nagging dilemma you dread every year is upon you... "What am I going to do THIS January 4th?!" Well, problem solved.

Who: Jeremy, Jay and a dazzling array of stars are in...
What: The Los Angeles premiere of "Let Others Suffer" - a feature-length comedy co-starring and co-written by Jeremy.
Where: Beverly Hills Hi-Def Film Festival
Fine Arts Theatre
8556 Wilshire Blvd.
Beverly Hills, CA 90211

Cross Street: La Cienega
When: January 4th, 7:30 pm
Cost: FREE, FREE, RABBSOLUTELY FREE!
RSVP: letotherssuffer@gmail.com or 619-757-6574 (include number attending)
Parking: Allow time for it
Website (with details and a trailer): http://www.letotherssuffer.com/Bevhills2.html

Why: It's 87 minutes of pure joy and the theater provides temporary shelter.
How: You should have a pretty good line on how to transport yourself there at this stage of life.
Whither: I'm not sure what that means. It sounds like whether. Does it mean whether?
Whom: Maybe I should have put my name here instead of at who. I don't really get the whole who vs. whom thing. I think you use whom when you want to sound important.
Qué: I never took Spanish.

Truly, we would love your support and it would mean a great deal to see you there. And yes, you can and should bring others to join you in the suffering -- just be there.

The Gift of WND

Wondering what to get me for the holidays? Just keep the evening of January 4th open and email me your mailing address. We'll worry about what you want later.

Join Jay and me this Wednesday after 9:00 at:

S Bar

6304 Hollywood Blvd
Hollywood, CA 90028
Cross Street: Vine

WEDnesday Night Drinks

That's right, clever unravelers of patently obvious subject lines:
I'm engaged!

Miss Nova will soon become Mrs. Nova Wnd! I figure she should take the event's last name and not mine since we first met at wnd. (No joke.) (Thank goodness it wasn't at Fatburger, right?) She made the fateful trip to 'Ye Coach & Horses' in the Fall of 2005 not expecting to find exactly what the bar name implied: Me. We don't yet have a date, a place or an idea of which song I'm going to breakdance to at the reception, but I can assure you of one thing: none of it will take place during wnd -- I'm not a total nut-bag.

From Nova: "Wow, so this is what it's like being inside a Wnd e-mail. Funny, the font is smaller than I thought it would be, but I like what you've done with the kerning... To all of you who attended the Coach & Horses Wnd two years ago, we'll be recreating that historic night this Wednesday--right down to what everyone was wearing, the drinks, the conversation and the 88-piece symphony orchestra that was playing Beethoven's 9th (in my head). Hope to see you there."

Even though Jay and I can boast we've never repeated a bar in the two-plus years of west coast wnd, we're making an exception this week. Join us this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

Ye Coach & Horses

7617 Sunset Blvd
Hollywood, CA 90046
Cross Street: Curson

Yours in WND

My email closings lack pizzazz. "Thanks," "Later," and "Jeremy" are not representing just how clever and special I am. I've spent the last seventeen hours combing through your emails for inspiration.

* "Cheers" confuses me. Are we suddenly having a drink together? What if the guy I'm emailing is a recovering alcoholic? I also don't know why I'm trying to sound British.

* "Sincerely" always sounds insincere.

* "Best" skips right past 'good' and 'better' to announce perfection, which I admire. It also lets the reader know just how ridiculously busy I am. There simply aren't enough hours in the day for me to plod through "All the Best." Actually, "Bes" might even take less time.

* "Sent from my blackberry" would be cool and trick people into thinking I own a blackberry. How about "Sent from my spaceship"?

While I try to figure something out, join Jay and me this Wednesday after 9:00 at:

Frank N Hank's

518 S Western Ave
Los Angeles, CA 90020
Cross Street: 5th

Yours in bemused resignation,
Jeremy

(adjective) WND

Mad-Lib contest of the week:

________ _____.
 (subject) (verb)

Winner posted next week!

(verb) Jay and me this Wednesday after 9:00 at:

Alibi Room

12236 W Washington Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90066
Cross Street: Campbell

WND original

I've decided to write the most original screenplay of all time. I don't care about plot or character or any other nonsense -- it just has to be original. Here's what I've got so far in the dialogue department (I'll figure out who says what and why later):

"We're not so different, you and I."
"I need you to listen to me VERY CAREFULLY."
"I don't know what's real anymore."
"I won't let you destroy everything I've built."
"I love you."
"The answer's right in front of you."
"This time I'm playing for keeps."
"Looks like he means business."
"Things are about to get interesting."
"Daaaaaaaaaaamn!"

Come join Jay to pat me on the back this Wednesday after 9 pm at:

Baja Cantina

311 Washington Blvd
Marina Del Rey, CA 90292
Cross Street: Pacific

WNDian

Did you know that the adjectival form of writer George Bernard Shaw is Shavian (SHAY-vee-un)? Fascinating. I wish I’d known this earlier, as it would have come in handy in several instances.

Example #1: “When Russell P. Saxton entered the room, the word that leapt to mind was Shavian. After all, he’d arrived at the Halloween costume party dressed as George Bernard Shaw.”

Example #2: “The copy of ‘Pygmalion’ under his arm did nothing for Russell’s George Bernard Shaw costume. In fact, I doubt very highly that the real Shaw would have been caught dead toting around his own play. Very un-Shavian if you ask me.”

Example #3: “After Xavier casually dropped the word ‘Shavian’ into our conversation, I had no choice but to take him out back and beat him.”

Join your Jayvian and Mevian hosts this Wednesday at:

Magnolia

6266 1/2 W Sunset Blvd
Hollywood, CA 90028
Cross Street: Argyle

WND homework

I'm sensing that some of you aren't preparing ahead of time for what you'll talk about at wnd. It feels like you're just showing up and inventing conversation "in the moment." Newsflash: this isn't improv class. Since I can't be sure that you won't bone up on some ordinary topic like a book you read (nerd!), or a movie you saw (illiterate!), I'm assigning an official subject for the night. We shall consider the central philosophical question of our age: "Who among us doesn't love Nascar?" (Assume it's not rhetorical.) Write down everyone you know who doesn't like Nascar (if there are any) and your specific theories as to why not.

Think how ready you'll feel when you join Jay and me this Wednesday after 9:00 at:

Tangier Restaurant & Lounge

2138 Hillhurst Ave
Los Angeles, CA 90027
Cross Street: Los Feliz

The Proverbial WND

Lately, I find myself tiring of the same old proverbs. Every time I reach for one, there they are, the same one about "You can lead a horse to water" or "You can't judge a book by its cover" or the overplayed "You can laugh at a mouse on fire, but who’s laughing when the mouse runs under your petticoats?”

Maybe I don't like being told what I can and can't do, or maybe I'm just bored, but I figured I'd enliven the ol' proverbial stores with some new "classics." I think these are destined to catch on like, well, much like a fire catches on to one's bone-dry petticoats:

"You can't bathe in a cracked tub and ask where all the water went."

"Nyt lisätty myös kaikkien, usein kysyttyä suomalais-ugrilaisista kielistä." (Sorry, it really only makes sense in Finno-Ugric.)

"You can't get kicked out of a lamp store until you've broken every lamp in the place and then blamed it on the lamp store competitor across the street." (Name of lamp store competitor: Silence of the Lamps)

"You can't tell a kid with cancer that the cancer fairy will come and take his cancer away and leave a quarter under his pillow, and later expect to have any kind of credibility."

This Wednesday after 9:00, Jay and I can lead you to, but can't make you drink at:

Venice Whaler Bar & Grill

2-10 Washington Blvd
Venice, CA 90292
Cross Ocean: The Pacific

Bless you, WND

Did you know that Salmon begat Booz of Rachab? Yeah. Just reading up on the bible: you know how it is. I mean, now that I'm officially a REVEREND and all -- oh, did that slip out? It's non-denominational, so my fellow landsmen can chill out, but I will now answer only to Reverend Jeremy or The Right Rev'und Jeremy. If you can believe it, Jay and Kate had me officiate their wedding last week (no joke: click here if you don't believe me, heathen). In order to qualify, I had to go through a grueling ordaining process online that involved giving the Universal Life Church not only my first AND last name, but also my email address. If that weren't enough, I had to click a button labeled "submit" and boy, did I!

Some quick highlights from the wedding: I stepped on the bride's train compelling Kate to knock Jay in the face and give him a bloody lip (true); An elderly woman who asked me to perform her granddaughter's wedding promptly placed my business card in her cleavage (true); I very nearly married Jay to his great-aunt Gertrude, which of course would have been awkward, but in my defense, she's really hot (oh, so true).

As Jay is enjoying his honeymoon this week, please join his holiness this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

Bar Lubitsch

7702 Santa Monica Blvd
West Hollywood, CA 90046
Cross Street: Stanley

Go in peace.

WND on ice

We know it's been a while and we apologize, but new opportunities have presented themselves, and Jay and I feel it's time we expanded our hosting duties. Not that wnd isn't satisfying, you understand, but it's just good to challenge yourself sometimes. So, I've officially submitted a request that we host the 2018 Winter Olympics. I realize that they often bestow that honor on an entire city rather on two random dudes, but I'm confident they'll make an exception. The Luge race, maybe. Or that weird one with the brooms and the ice. I have a broom. (Well, I can get one by 2018.)

Wnd will return in August once Jay has been married. Until then, keep that torch burning...

WND brain-freeze

Once upon a time, Harry S. Trumpet and Yoko Oboe were hopping down the path when all of a sudden... Jesus, am I running out of ideas over here. It's just a damn drinks invite for crying out loud. My brain hurts, people!

Join Jay to rub my temples this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

Bar Noir at Maison 140

140 S Lasky Drive
Beverly Hills, CA 90212
Cross Street: Charleville

WND halftime speech

Look, I could say a lot of things right now: how proud I am of all of you, how I've watched every one of you grow into a warrior, but I don't need to do any of that. You want a piece of that championship? Well, it starts right now. You're going to go out there, give 110 percent and show the world what you're made of. You know what else? You're going to show yourself what you're made of. There's a gleam out there - let's get the gleam. If we die, we die together, but just remember: the score doesn't tell the whole story, it's going to come down to who wants it more, and it's time to play for keeps. I look around this list and I see heart, I see guts, and I see winners. Most of all, I see damn fine people. So, let's go out there and have some fun. Stiffen the sinews and summon up the blood, for this is the dream; this is the moment. Let's huddle up.

Drinks. Wednesday. After 8:30.

Father's Office

1018 Montana Ave
Santa Monica, CA 90403
Cross Street: 10th

Coach

WND spoiler alert

I just found out about the final "Sopranos" episode... it's going to be a total rip-off of the final "M*A*S*H" episode. Can you believe it?! Apparently, news that the Korean War has ended is confirmed, splitting up our merry band of misfits once and for all. The final, haunting image of Paulie's spelled-out message, "I gotta take a leak," brings a bittersweet smile to Tony's face as he flies off in a chopper, no doubt headed to perform countless Groucho imitations and bowel resections in Crabapple Cove. I guess you'd have to be a complete idiot not to see that coming.

Join Jay and me for drinks this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

La Poubelle

5907 Franklin Ave
Los Angeles, CA 90028
Cross Street: Bronson

Jonesing for WND

In honor of this week’s locale, go ahead and dress up as your favorite historical Jones. In fact, don’t just dress up - fully inhabit the character. Commit. You a fan of John Paul Jones? Get your hands on an authentic 18th century naval uniform and get in people’s faces about how you’ve not yet begun to fight until some dude takes you up on your offer and beats the hell out of you. You like Catherine Zeta-Jones? I don’t want some generic Welsh accent - I want the specific regional dialect (Abertwae, not that Tyddewi drivel). I’m going as Barnaby Jones, the fictitious detective portrayed by TV’s Buddy Ebsen. I never watched the show as a kid because the demo target was Women 89-95, so I had to do some research. What I've learned so far is that there were some disturbing episode titles:
“See Some Evil, Do Some Evil”
“To Denise, With Love And Murder”
“Divorce: Murderer’s Style”
“Forfeit By Death”
“Murder In The Key Of C”
“Duet For Dying”
“Death Is The Punchline”
“Venus As In Flytrap”

You’d think little old ladies wouldn’t want to be reminded of death, but if that’s what they want, that’s what they’ll get this Wednesday after 9:00 at:

Jones

7205 Santa Monica Blvd

West Hollywood, CA 90046

Cross Street: Formosa

Park this, WND

I've recently been bombarded with angry messages from an anonymous individual who doesn't appreciate my parking skills. I imagine that when he first sees my vacant car resting comfortably with plenty of room in front of it, he yells loudly. Perhaps he stops passersby to share in his outrage, engaging them in a discussion on the merits of a citizen's arrest. The fury then vomits forth onto the page, where he jots down some choice profanity in deranged scrawl and leaves it on my windshield. What he fails to understand is that obstacles that initially blocked my ability to make forward progress (i.e. garbage cans, motorcycles, other cars, coyotes) are no longer present when this sharp-witted fellow scans the scene. And so I must now engage in leaving angry notes myself on my windshield so as to preemptively calm his mighty passion:

*There was a car in front of me when I parked. Please channel your anger at the government.
*Warning: I've covered my car in an acid film so that anyone who touches it will soon experience deep pain before their hands fall off (I wore protective gloves, so I'll be fine.)
*Where'd you learn how to park? Bad Parking school?! [ed. Granted, not particularly assuaging]
*Where'd you learn how to park? Shithead U.??!! [ed. Ibid.]
*Where is love? Does it fall from skies above? Is it underneath the willow tree that I've been dreaming of?

Make it all better with Jay and me this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

The Edison

2nd St & Main St
Los Angeles, CA 90012
Cross Street: 2nd or Main

I need WND. Stat!

I'm tired of losing arguments because I don't have endless, arcane statistics at my fingertips. Every time I engage in debate, the other guy will invariably drop something like "But 35% of the Pentagon's budget goes to blah blah blah" or "Only 7% of crimes committed within a mile radius of boogity boog ever escalate into blabbity blab." Like I'm supposed to know these facts or I'm a big idiot. Who are these people and why are they memorizing these annoying numbers? I've decided to start making up my own statistics just to keep up:
"Your feeble-mindedness saddens me. You forget that a mere 24.31% of double-jointed fascists think aerosol cans can't hurt the environment just so long as you spray them indoors."
"And did you know that a whopping 67% of high school seniors can't find the planet Earth on a globe?"

Checkmate. 

Parry along with Jay and me this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

72 Market Street

72 Market St (surprise!)
Venice, CA 90291
Cross Street: Pacific

It was called Wednesday Night... something

The phenomenon that started in New York, spread to L.A. (with me), spread to D.C. (with our friend Margaret), makes a quick return to its birthplace this week. I'm in NYC for a few days and would love to see you guys.

Join Mike and me this Wednesday for wnd after 8:30 at:

Park Bar

15 E 15th St
NYC 10003
Cross Street: 5th Ave

It'll be just like old times, only older.

Mind-Bending WND

This is simply amazing. Trust me.

Pick a number from 5 to 9.
Subtract 5.
Multiply by 3.
Square the number (multiply it by itself).
Add the digits in the number together until you get only one digit; i.e. 64: 6 + 4 = 10; 1 + 0= 1.
If the number is less than 5, add five. Otherwise subtract 4.
Multiply it by 2.
Subtract 6.
Give the digit its corresponding letter in the alphabet (for example: 1=A, 2=B, 3=C, 4=D...26=Z, etc).
Pick a name of a country (NOT A STATE) that begins with that letter.
Take the second letter in the country name and think of a mammal that begins with that letter.
Think of the most common color of that mammal.
Did you get a BROWNISH, OFF-YELLOW/BUFF WITH BLACK SPOTS JAGUAR FROM DJIBOUTI?? How incredible is that?! I just don't understand how they do it.

Come share your amazement with Jay and me this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

4100 Bar

4100 Sunset Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90026
Cross Street: Manzanita

WND's cup size

It's Spring again and time for Fantasy Baseball. I'll assume that every single one of you participates in, and indeed, is commissioner of your very own league just like me. Therefore, I don't need to remind you of the importance of not only convincing people to join in, but also motivating them to stay competitive throughout the year. Since I'm a 5-year veteran, I feel I'm in a position to offer some advice on how to achieve these goals, pump up the stakes and frankly leave the world a better place than you found it.

Forget about financial incentives or creative team names: all you need is a great trophy. For my league, "Diamond Dogs," we offer "The Double D Cup," a resplendent beacon of truth, honor and excellence. I include photos from last year's trophy ceremony when I presented the cup to the winner (none other then our very own Jay). I trust these images will inspire you to greatness, and perhaps even to greatestness.

Join Jay and me this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

Sapphire Lounge

11938 Ventura Blvd (yes, we're finally coming to the valley!)
Studio City, CA 91604
Cross Street: Carpenter

Jeremy (The Commish)

WND of rabbinical proportions

I've officially run out of ideas for my scrolling screensaver. Tonight, I must retire the final gem -- "Jeremy Rocks" -- since it has reached the mandatory retirement age of 65 weeks. How, I wonder, shall I now preserve my precious monitor? What could possibly add to the greasy fingerprints and inches of dust that already "protect" it? Certainly not that 3D pipes crap. I just can't imagine anything approaching the inspirational masterpieces that have trot across my monitor lo these many years:

"Jeremy's the Man"

"Jeremy's 'da Man"

"Turn and face the strange: J-J-Jeremy"

"Have a holly, Jeremy Christmas"

"Rabb in an Elevator"

"Rabble-Rouser"

"Rabba-Dabba-Do"

"DJ Rabbi Rabb"

"To sleep, perchance to dream: ay, there's the Rabb"

"You can't spell Scrabble without R-A-B-B"

"Rabb me two times, baby; Rabb me twice today"

"Ow! Your bullet hit me right in the Rabbdomen"

"Rabbsolutely Rabbulous"

and finally,

"Sic Transit Gloria Mundi"

Maybe I'll just do a photo slideshow of my nephew's bris. Until then, join Jay and me this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

The Derby

4500 Los Feliz Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90027
Cross Street: Hillhurst
($5 dollar cover)

WND!!!

J: Put down those flash cards, you sad sack, 'cause there's a neater way to learn words. Mnemonics! Yeah! The first "m" is silent! Yeah! "Supercilious" means arrogant and superior like a SUPER SILLY ASS! Who-hoo! You try one!

S: Uh...

J: All right! "Gregarious" means outgoing. I know a guy named GREG who's really outgoing! Awesome! Now you try one!

S: But I don't know anyone named Greg. How is that supposed to help me?

J: Do one!

S: Would you relax?

J: Words are fun!

S: Yeah, I get it. You're excited about words.

J: Join the fun!

S: Jesus, you look like you're about to hyperventilate. All those exclamation points.

J: Wheeeeee!!!

S: Okay. "Epistemological" concerns the theory of the nature of knowledge, especially with reference to its limits and validity. "Episteme" comes from the Greek for knowledge. Actually, I think it's "epistanai."

J: Boring!

S: Breaking it down even further, "epi" as a prefix means-

J: Boring!

S: Look, I'm just giving you the root.

J: Boring! Boring!! Boring!!!

S: Stop saying that!

J: Hey, you used an exclamation point! Nice going!

S: What is your problem? I thought roots were important. Why are you jumping up and down on the table?

J: Boing! Boing! Boing! "Epistemological" has "logical" in it, so you can think of logic or knowledge. Or how about "The Logical Song" by Supertramp?! (singing) "Feel you're acceptable, respectable, oh presentable, a vegetable!"

S: What the hell are you talking about? 

J: (hanging from the chandelier) Could we have kippers for Breakfast, Mommy dear, Mommy dear?!!

----

Just giving you an update on how my tutoring sessions have been going. It's tough keeping up the kids' energy like that, but I'm a professional. 

Learn from the best this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

Boulevard Lounge

1114 N Crescent Heights Blvd
West Hollywood, CA 90046
Cross Street: Santa Monica

Jeremy
P.S. "J" of course stood for "Jeremy," and S stood for "Mohammed Soleimani, Iran's Minister of Communication & Information Technology," not "Student." Duh.)

Ave WND

Even though I'm not Catholic, I've decided to enter into the spirit of Lent this year. Since it's apparently all about giving up stuff, I've decided that for 40 long days, I shall give up personal sacrifice. Or maybe I'll just give up altogether. Wish me luck.

Join Jay and me this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

Beauty Bar

1638 N Cahuenga Blvd
Hollywood, CA 90028
Cross Street: Hollywood

WND looks to the stars

My birthday, which just passed, is always a day for self-analysis: Who am I? Why am I here? What does it all mean? For nearly 8 seconds, I focus on such universal questions before my brain shuts down and I downshift to a more manageable query: Do I connect with the celebrities who share my birthday, and if so, what can they teach me about myself?

Barbi Benton - Playboy Playmate of the 70's

There's overlap in our ineffable, raw sexuality, but she was a regular on "Hee-Haw," so "source of self-knowledge" isn’t exactly flashing in neon.

Susan Sontag - Novelist and Essayist

Well, I had to write a bunch of essays in high school. I remember hating to do the one about what I did over the summer. I remember lying, feeling the pressure of hiding the fact that I just watched reruns of "Quincy." But really: what's so terrible about chilling out in August? I'm sorry if TV and sleeping isn't exciting enough for class discussion. Looks like Susan's only good for bringing up crappy memories.

Jackson Pollock - Painter

Arthur Rubinstein - Pianist

Mikhail Baryshnikov - Dancer
Could this mean I too am a brilliant artist? What if the magic of the day is only particular to those specific fields? My painting is derivative/nonexistent, I refuse to touch any of the white keys when I play the piano, and the critics universally panned my one-man ballet based on Kofi Annan’s tenure as Secretary-General. Nothing to learn from these guys.

John Banner - Schultz on "Hogan's Heroes"
His most famous line was "I know nothing! I see nothing! Nothing!" Not bad. I can empathize with that self-assessment. A little nihilistic, but also kind of comforting in its simplicity. Don't take yourself too seriously. Takes the edge off getting a year older. I should've known the answer would come from a fictional sitcom character.

Join Jay and me this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

Voda

1449 2nd St
Santa Monica, CA 90401

Cross Street: Santa Monica

Eponymous WND

Finally, a bar that I can feel at home in.

Join Jeremy and me this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

Village Idiot

7383 Melrose Ave
Los Angeles, CA 90046
Cross Street: Martel

[ed. I didn't write my own invite, since Jay's was impossible to improve on.]

WND and two-fifths

You can quit worrying about my living situation -- I finally found a place. My new address is... actually let's just focus on the street number for now since it requires some analysis:

808 2/5

That's 808 and 2/5. As in two-fifths. As in 2 over 5. As in the IQ of the numbering overlord assigned to my street. Apartment #2 would have been the obvious choice, but apparently integers really bugged this guy. Maybe he had some weird experience as a kid or something. I'll admit I'm not crazy about every single integer I've come across, and I do hate when people mispronounce the word "integral" by saying "in-TEH-gruhl" instead of "INT-uh-gruhl," but that's about as much as I can relate.

Here's the conversation I had with my bank rep today:
"Did you say your new street number is 808 and Doofus?"
"No. 808 and TWO-FIFTHS."
"Because 'Doofus' isn't a street number we recognize."
"Yeah, I can understand that. But what I said was TWO-FIFTHS. Like the fraction."
"The what?"
"The fraction. You know, 2 divided by 5?"
"You asking me what's 2 divided by 5?"

I hesitate to stray even slightly from the official designation for fear that my monthly editions of Windplayer Magazine will forever be lost in post office purgatory. So if you're sending me something, be precise. Don't be cute and write ".4" even though you prefer working in decimal form. Likewise, unless you're convinced that my mailman is a math buff, none of that "6/15" or "10/25" knowing that each reduces to "2/5" (s.a.t. math at work, baby). A postcard mislabeled "2/7" might so incapacitate him that he'll be unable to navigate the .114285714286 units to my actual mailbox.

With that in mind, join us this Wednesday after 8:30 at a slightly easier address to remember:

Bigfoot Lodge

3172 Los Feliz Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90039

Cross Street: Glenfeliz

WND theme park

A number of you have been asking, Why don't we ever have themed wnd's like "Casual Wnd," "Tiki Wnd" or movie-theme wnd? Well, we've tried it in the past with mixed results. Some turned out to be out-and-out failures; others out-and-out-and-out failures. Here's a sampling of our miscues:

"Bring Your Pet Skunk Wnd." I take full responsibility for this one, though to be fair I did insert a "J/K" and a series of winky faces at the end of the invite. ; ) ; ) ; ). I didn't realize that every skunk-owner on this email list was a complete idiot. Granted, you need to turn your head to the side to get it, but didn't it strike you as odd that I would randomly type semi-colons and close-parentheses at the end of an email?

"Boston Massacre Wnd." An unparalleled disaster. I still have nightmares. My sincerest apologies to my friend Crispus.

"D-Day Wnd." See above.

"Heroine Wnd" with the uncomfortable follow-up the next week: 

"The Trouble With Homonyms"

"Stalin Was Misunderstood; Let Me Explain"

and finally, "Fluorescent Light Party-Hearty Wnd." We thought the spacious and luminous Furniture Barn Outlet on Pico would be the perfect spot for drinks. I still can't figure out why everyone left so early. Jay can tell you that the complimentary magnifying glasses afforded him a fascinating up-close view of my pores.

I personally feel the whole theme thing has run its course. However, for those of you who insist on continuing this painful tradition, incapable of enjoying a drink without bells and whistles blaring in your ears, I urge you to become more involved in the selection process. I will be taking suggestions (grudgingly) this week from my usual barstool perch.

Join us this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

Saints & Sinners

10899 Venice Blvd
Culver City, CA 9003

Cross Street: Veteran

WND in our nation's capital

Put your hands together for the latest city to join the wnd family -- Washington D.C.! That's right: New York and Los Angeles were simply not enough to satisfy the teeming masses craving a place to go on Wednesday nights. Thanks to Margaret, a recent immigrant to our nation's capital, even more people will get the opportunity to master such skills as "ordering a drink," "carrying on a conversation" and "leaving" with the help of a highly-skilled professional. Our deep faith in Miss Margaret's ability stems from both her achievement on all 118 diagnostic tests we threw at her and her astonishing ability to complete our 5-mile obstacle course after only 47 attempts. Nice going, Madge.

Where to next, you ask? I suppose the obvious answer would be Boston or Chicago, but if you ask me, I'm holding out for Antigua.

Join us this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

Bar Marmont

8171 W Sunset Blvd
West Hollywood, CA 90046

Cross Street: Crescent

Moving in WND

Wnd is moving...! Well, not really, but I'm moving. I'm getting kicked out of my current pad and need a new home asap. I've decided that instead of dealing with the hassle, I'm going to let everyone on the wnd list unite together as one in what I'm calling a "collective" to find the perfect apartment for Mr. Wonderful, Mr. You're-Welcome-For-Wnd-How-Empty-Your-Lives-Would-Be-Without-It, Mr. Lazy, me.

So, Collective: we'll divvy up the tasks in a moment, but basically, I'm looking for a 1-bedroom in the $7-$22/month range, although I can go a skosh higher, up to say $22.50. This will be handled my personal haggler who will keep that higher price on the d.l. until the landlord starts playing hardball. Other jobs include: 

-someone to check out a prospective neighborhood and in particular the local pizza joint to make sure the aftertaste on the root beer is up to snuff

-someone to carry me from my current digs to the new one in the style of the pieta

-someone to give me $7-$22/month

and much, much more. 

Email me your requests, but it's on a first-come basis. That means if you're desperate to be in charge of moving the heavy stuff, you better let me know right quick. Let's work together, let's enjoy being a part of something special and, most importantly, let's have some fun out there. I'm going to take a nap now -- wake me ONLY if you need me to sign the lease.

Join us this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

The Gaslite

2030 Wilshire Blvd
Santa Monica, CA 90403

Cross Street: 21st

Fear of WND

"Wednesday Night Drinks sounds fun and all, but the thing is: I'm not a drinker."

This comment is so misguided and offensive, I almost don't know where to begin. First of all, loser (yeah, the gloves are off), this is not some weekly frat party where guys do body shots, start bar fights and run around naked screaming about keggers. We're talking about Jeremy (a.k.a. "Mr. Two Beers a Night") and Jay (a.k.a. "Dr. Can I Get a Prune Juice Chaser With My Ovaltine?") This is a very well-mannered, well-bred collection of individuals, some of whom don't drink at all.

A bar is chosen each week because it's simply the natural meeting place for groups to socialize. If you can think of something more appropriate, speak up. In the early days, we experimented with alternative venues (libraries, Turkish baths), but they were always unmitigated disasters.

True: on the rare occasion, the friend-of-a-friend has turned out to be the town lush, but we're prepared for such a contingency -- we haul "Port-a-Drunkies" (Plexiglas cube prisons) to each venue for the very purpose of helping these poor souls dry off in a controlled, self-contained environment. It's also great fun to watch their comic attempts to claw their way out before they lose their balance and pass out. Really entertaining. So, to the God-fearing ascetics out there, I appeal to your sense of honor and decency and ask you to give wnd a fair shake. I promise you'll still have a good time even if you're too big a sissy to order a damn drink.

Join us this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

Lola's

945 N Fairfax Ave

Los Angeles, CA 90046

Cross Street: Romaine

WND regret

Whenever election time comes around, I invariably remember the biggest regret of my life: my complete inability to go back in time to cast a vote for the greatest president in our country's history -- Millard Fillmore. I don't really know much about him other than he was involved in some kind of compromise in 1850 that I can't remember the name of. It's his last words that have always resonated with me. After sipping some soup at dinner, he declared: "The nourishment is palatable" and promptly died. For that reason alone, I ask you to write in Millard Fillmore this November 7th for State Assembly District 17.

In addition, I implore you to ignore the negative, below-the-belt ads currently airing on TV about WND by "Friends of TAHDO (Thursday Afternoon Hors D'Oeuvres)" and "Concerned Citizens for TMJS (Tuesday Morning Juice & Scones)." We won't dignify the mud-slinging with a response, but merely point out that we're rubber and they're glue. And not the cool glue you used to eat in first grade. I'm talking the really nasty doesn't-come-off-your-skin kind.

Vote with your heart. Vote WND. Join us this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

The Dime

442 N Fairfax Ave
Los Angeles, CA 90036
Cross Street: Oakwood

Do your WND duty

Some people are getting the word out about our weekly get-together and some aren't. I'm not simply talking about bringing friends along -- it goes much deeper than that. Ask yourself: What are you personally doing to incorporate the defining moment of your week more fully into your lives? We have one regular of wnd who has gone so far as to work for a magazine called "Windplayer" simply because of the obvious message within: "WiNDplayer."

You need to find your own way to express yourself. If you're pregnant, consider naming your child WeNDY, WaNDa or WeNDell. Not pregnant? Then get pregnant. Or go ahead and turn everyday, household accidents into opportunities: "Honey, I just can't figure out hoW I maNageD to stain my Wonderful New carDigan." Write angry letters to the alphabet lobby demanding they do away with the overtired "A,B,C" starting order and switch to "W,N,D." Such a fresh approach might just help cure our country's ballooning illiteracy problem. Think about it. Or better yet, ThWiNk aDoubt it.

Join us this WedNesDay after 8:30 at:

El Guapo Mexican Cantina

7250 Melrose Ave
Hollywood, CA 90046
Cross Street: Alta Vista

Everything louder than everything else WND

I'm pleased to announce that I attended my first Hollywood Bowl concert this weekend. In honor of that momentous occasion, I ask that for this wnd you pay homage to the bands who performed: Journey & Def Leppard.

Don't rush your decision. Do you really need to throw on that hilarious look-i've-only-got-one-arm gag t-shirt? Is it really worth the trouble of rolling into the bar on a giant wheel in the sky that keeps turning? Think simple. Just whisper in my ear "You're so sincere." (I am after all.) Or get two of your friends to dress up as 'confusion' and 'pain' and interpret the reality of being caught between them. If you're out of ideas, let the title of Def Leppard's latest album awaken the imagination bubbling inside. As memorable as "Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band" or "The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust And The Spiders From Mars," it captures the feeling better than any words of inspiration I could possibly offer: "Yeah!”

Join us this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

Hop Louie

950 Mei Ling Way
Los Angeles, CA

Cross Street: N Hill

Plain and simple WND

I wish I had a more exciting excuse for the hiatus, but the truth is Jay and I were both out of town. Not flashy. Not sexy. Just the truth. If that's not good enough in this razzle-dazzle world, then so be it. I apologize, okay? I'm sorry it's not because of something more electrifying like an alien kidnapping or some ugly standoff with the federal government involving explosions. How about you view the world with "My Dinner With Andre" eyes instead of "Blade" eyes for, like, a second? Leave the action excitement your body so desperately craves every minute of your miserable life, and embrace the unspoiled goodness of the mundane. Hey, look: there it is. Pick it up. Wipe your face with it. Feels pretty refreshing, doesn't it? You're welcome.

Join us this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

White Horse

1532 Western Ave
Los Angeles, CA 90027

Cross Street: Sunset

Part of every WND

To demonstrate just how out of touch I am, I was recently informed that the actual chorus to Kiss's "Rock And Roll All Night" is:

I wanna rock and roll all night and party every day

not

I wanna rock and roll all night and part of every day

I always thought it was kind of cool that these guys could rage so hard at night, but be mellow enough to set aside only a small portion of the following day to continue the horseplay. I was left to imagine how they spent the rest of their morning and afternoon. Cleaning up around the house? Scrapbooking? I didn't know, and it was the very not knowing that I found so compelling. Well, the mystery is now dead. I simply misheard the lyrics. How disappointing.

Join us for drinks for at least part of your night this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

The Brig

1515 Abbot Kinney Blvd
Venice Beach, CA 90291

Cross Street: Milwood

WNDNW

Everyone's always asking me, begging me to reveal my favorite palindrome. All right, here it is:

"Onions? No, I... no."

Join us this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

Tiny's KO

6377 Hollywood Blvd
Hollywood, CA 90028
Cross Street: Cahuenga

Word up WND

The word-a-day emails I subscribe to just aren’t sticking in my brain. I’m told I have to use them to remember them, but how often do I come across a dude with a frigate who'll let me ask about his dunnage? Almost never. So I'm writing a novel. I call it "Chicks Dig Boustrophedon."  Here's an excerpt:

Chapter 2: "Desiccated, arid and sere: now that's dry"

"Are you oppugning that I am too much of a philatelist to appreciate your numismatic proclivities?" Thelonious asked Tiffany as they ambulated past the Zebra cage which smelled really terrible.
"You hurl aspersions at my avocation widdershins in a tourbillion of nonsense, a sempiternal effort to seem perspicacious. Plus, you rob banks." Tiffany opined like a motherfucker.
"Widdershins? WIDDERSHINS?!" Thelonious didn't like that at all. "I am no yegg and should be enskied as a god!" Thelonious had never been enskied at all, if you can believe it.
"Hear my maw burst with diapasons of frustration as my eyes scan your visage in a series of saccades that I hope will break me of my cathexis and resolve once and for all my chronic abulia about confronting you about the excess dunnage of your friggin' frigate!"
The zebra stood quietly. He had pretty stripes.

Pretty sweet. Or should I say pretty... sweet. (I don't have a fancy synonym for that one yet.)

Join us this Wednesday after 8:30 to agglutinate yourself to a beer bottle, fellow autodidacts, at:

Birds

5925 Franklin Ave
Los Angeles, CA 90028

Cross Street: Tamarind

Insouciant when it comes to souciance,
Jeremy

WND without a posse (redux)

Looks like the "Posse" credit stays on the resume thanks to the industrious research of one Joey Peters. She located the following image online, proving once and for all that I was in it. Apparently, a different poster was used in Belgium or something (?). Anyway, the fact that Joey happens to be a professional graphic designer is completely irrelevant and not a sign whatsoever that she doctored the picture in any way, so all you conspiracy theorists can just settle down. To be honest, I'm hoping there aren't too many copies of this floating around; I look so incredibly tough, I fear I'll be typecast as the badass maverick when I have so much more to offer.

Saddle up for drinks with us this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

Three Of Clubs

1123 Vine St
Los Angeles, CA 90038
Cross Street: Santa Monica

WND without a posse

I give up. An entry has existed on my resume for years that must at long last be removed. The reason is simply that no one believes me, including the fine people at imdb. No joke: I worked on "Posse." You may remember the Mario Van Peebles epic that followed a group of black cowboys in the Wild West. You may then wonder how I could have possibly been involved. Perhaps it's the black part; perhaps it's the cowboy part. Whatever the reason, your lack of faith Is irrelevant.

I challenge you to dust off that collector's edition DVD you own and pop it in. Check out the campfire scene and savor the humming falsetto during the sing-along, the angelic warbling provided by yours truly... off-camera. I realize my upper register is more reminiscent of Leo Sayer than Marvin Gaye, but honestly, why would anybody make something like that up? To compensate for a lifelong obsession with Mario "MVP" Van Peebles who NEVER returns his calls? Hardly. In any event, I shall no longer try to associate myself with the film. The world is a sadder place.

Join us for drinks this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

James Beach

60 N Venice Blvd
Venice, CA 90291

Cross Street: Pacific

WND MD

I just got the lamest physical of my life. Before you file that neatly under "Who Cares,” hear me out. The doctor tested my hearing by whispering the number 66 and prompting me to repeat it back to him. He then proceeded to ask questions instead of checking things out for himself, like whether or not I had a hernia. Not that I'm jumping up and down to have the procedure done, but is he supposed to just take my word for it? I thought I'd check out his credentials, but his diploma was written in Cyrillic. That didn't really matter since most of the lettering had rubbed off. What I could make out was in a font that hasn't existed since the 14th century -- "Wingdings" would have looked more reassuring. I am unabashedly disgruntled, and refuse to pay for a damn make-up visit.

So here's your big chance to perform a proper physical on me this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

Eat on Sunset

1448 N Gower St
Los Angeles, CA 90028

Cross Street: Sunset

WND gone wild

I recently attended "Erotica L.A." at the convention center to cheer on my friends, LJ and Meghan, as they danced. No, they didn't bring me up on stage like Courtney Cox in that Bruce Springsteen video. It was disappointing, but I suspect the erotica quotient in the hall would have spiked so uncontrollably that the crowd would have demanded unspeakable behavior from me on the spot. I am, however, prepared for such a contingency, having already narrowed down my possible porn names to Brock Heathen and Chuck Bawlz.

The most striking moment came when talking to a woman hawking her merchandise while a tape of her engaging in various acrobatic behavior played in the background. All I could think to say was that she looked much taller in person; it really wasn't much of an ice-breaker. Luckily, I soon met the love of my life (pictured), so it all worked out pretty nicely. 

(I'm the third one from the right.)

Join us this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

Red Rock

8782 Sunset Blvd
West Hollywood, CA 90069

Cross Street: Palm

WND record-breaker

Forget the fattest twins ever or that dude with the longest Fingernails. I've got the ultimate record for the Guinness Book:
"Most Friends on MySpace." I'm about to go over the top with an unprecedented...
100 friends!
The century, the c-note, el primo followed by a doublet of big salamis (if you cut out the middle and leave just the rinds). And it took me only 16 short months of emailing 50 complete strangers a day to do it.

I wish I knew what exactly is so remarkably amiable about me, but whatever it is, I've got the touch. Just the other day, I read about this topless teacher from Austin, found her MySpace page, requested her as a friend and boom -- "Mrs. H" and I are thick as thieves. And Oprah was so excited, she sent a personalized thank you, plus a discount on a subscription to O At Home. To be honest, I've never really had "friends" per se, so I'm a little nervous about how to behave. I'm hoping there's some pamphlet available. Anyway, I'll just sit tight and wait for the Guinness people to drop by. Should be any minute now.

Join Jay and Mr. Popular this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

Formosa Cafe

7156 Santa Monica Blvd
West Hollywood, CA 90046

Cross Street: Santa Monica

Color me WND

What do you know? Jay's engaged! To a girl. I didn't catch her name. Kate something. Anyway, what's really exciting is that they've chosen me to pick the color for their wedding. I have no idea why, but I’m psyched. I definitely want to go with a shade, not some tired one-word crap like Purple. And I condemn any pre-conceived nonsense like "Canary" Yellow or "Powder" Blue. I've got to reinvent the color palette just as Jay and Karen are reinventing their life palette. Here's what I've got so far:

"Tube Sock" Buff with Yellow Stripes

"Government Terror Alert ('Guarded')" Blue

"Slightly-Less-Aggravated-Sunburn-After-Rubbing-On-Ointment" Red

"That-Chair-In-My-Room-I-Had-Growing-Up-Which-I-Once-Stood-On-To-Grab-Something-Off-The-Top-Shelf-Of-My-Closet-Without-Realizing-That-I-Was-Crushing-This-New-45-I-Bought-Of-Quincy-Jones-Playing-'Stuff-Like-That'-A-Song-I-Really-Dug-As-A-Kid-So-Save-The-Jokes-Mr.-'My-Musical-Taste-Has-Always-Been-Super-Cool"-And-I-Can't-Imagine-How-Important-Whatever-I-Was-Looking-For-Could-Have-Been-If-It-Was-So-Completely-Out-Of-Reach-Like-It-Couldn't-Have-Been-A-Big-Bag-Of-Money-With-A-Dollar-Sign-Printed-On-It-Or-My-Living-Will" Beige-ish.

While I spend the better part of a year hammering this out, join me, Jay and Khalil for drinks this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

Renee's Courtyard Cafe

522 Wilshire Blvd
Santa Monica, CA 90401
Cross Street: 5th

See you there,
"Jeremy" Swarthy

Viva Las WND

Highlights from my very first trip to Las Vegas:

• Won $6 at a slot machine inside a Rite-Aid while waiting for my buddy to buy some Dramamine. I'm embarrassed to say that was only the first time I ever gambled in a pharmacy.
• Dined at a bistro called "Le Café" in the "Paris" casino and ordered a "Quesadilla."
• Saw George Wallace's stand-up show: "I Be Thinking." He said my mama's so fat she has an actual horse on her Polo shirt. I don't know if that's true, but my mental effort alone proves that I too now be thinking.
• Met a stripper who introduced herself as Yummy. I asked what her stripper name was, but received a blank stare.
• Feasted in Caesar's Palace at "Snackus Maximus." I never knew "Snack" came from a Latin root.
• Visited Hoover Dam which I learned was constructed in response to our crippling dependence on beavers for dam construction. It took a ton of manpower, but you don't hear beavers talking smack any more, so I for one applaud it.

Join us back in Los Angeles this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

Coronet Pub

370 N La Cienega Blvd
West Hollywood, CA 90048

Cross Street: Oakwood

WND beanpole

After witnessing the "Fiesta Bowl" become the "Doritos Fiesta Bowl," and "Astros Field" become "Minute Maid Park," I've decided to go with the flow and get me some of that sweet sammy sponsorship. I know what you're thinking, but as my friend Alistair points out, I'm not selling out: I'm just buying in.

My new name is officially:
Jeremy, as presented by Goya Black Beans™ rich and elegant for classic black bean soup™

Pretty good, right? And how about that double "tm" action? I never would've dreamed that I'd be considered elegant or classic or even soup-like. Sure, my resume now looks a bit busier, and having to re-do all the sewn-in nametags in my socks will be a major pain, but I'm stoked. The sponsor’s even cool with abbreviations like Goya, or Goya to the Double B, but ask me to refrain from Goy or Goy Toy for obvious reasons.

Join Jeremy, as presented by Goya Black Beans™ rich and elegant for classic black bean soup™ and Jay (sadly unsponsored) this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

Roost

3100 Los Feliz Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90039

Cross Street: Edenhurst

WND with a capital "W"

"Wednesday's child is full of woe."

- Mother Goose

I not only take issue with this nonsense, I take umbrage. I must at long last call out Mother Goose and her bizarre anti-Wednesday smear campaign. In fact, her whole days-of-the-week rant is packed with absurd claims that are totally unsubstantiated.

"Monday's child is fair of face." I know a lot of dogs born on that day. Super ugly.
"Tuesday's child is full of grace." It's not grace they're full of, but she needed an easy rhyme.
"Thursday's child has far to go." A lot of them have nowhere to be.
"Friday's child is loving and giving." Only when they want something, you gullible feather-head.
"Saturday’s child works hard for a living." On the weekend? I’m not buying it.
"But the child born on Sabbath Day [ed. apparently M.G. was unfamiliar with the Jewish population] is fair and wise and good and gay." Um... I'll just leave that one alone.

Why does this damn goose woman hurl her only unambiguous vitriol of the week on my day and no ones else's? Yeah, I was born on a Wednesday. What of it? I'm full of many wonderful things that couldn't be less woeful. I won't go into detail here, but am happy to provide anyone with a complete inventory on request. Did she meet some depressive and decide that was a representative sampling? How about a little scientific integrity, lady? You're lazy!
"Mother Goose's child is a lazy loser!" You like that?! How does that feel?!
Wednesday's Child is totally awesome and kicks major ass.

Join us this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

The Spanish Kitchen

826 N La Cienega Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90069

Cross Street: Melrose

WND nuh-huh

From the sacred, national landmark that is imdb.com:

Memorable Quotes from "What's Happening!!" (1976)
[From episode: "From Here to Maternity"]
Mama: You gonna feed it?
Dwayne Nelson: Uh-Huh.
Mama: And burp it?
Dwayne Nelson: Uh-Huh.
Mama: And change it?
Dwayne Nelson: NUH-HUH!

Join us for drinks this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

Liquid Kitty

11780 West Pico Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90064

Cross Street: Barrington

Ignore your cardiologist WND

A lot of people ask me how I stay so thin. Exercise? Take care of myself? Lucky genes? Guess no more, for my treasured secret is finally out. The Gateway Grizzlies, a minor league baseball team in Illinois, just co-opted my daily regimen for its latest concession -- "Baseball's Best Burger." Here's its official description:

"The ballpark sandwich will include a hamburger topped with sharp cheddar cheese and two slices of bacon -- all between a "bun" made of a sliced Krispy Kreme Original Glazed doughnut. [The team's general manager/gourmand], who has said he has eaten at least 10 of the new creations as part of a "sampling process," said the team hopes to sell 100 to 200 of them a night at $4.50 each. He calls it a bargain, considering it is a meal and a dessert in one."

I know what you're thinking: it looks healthy and it sounds healthy, but does it taste good? Trust me: this baby actually melts in your mouth before exploding your heart into a thousand points of delicious aorta. Yummy.

Join us this Wednesday after 8:30 as part of your own "sampling process" at:

Burgundy Room

1621 1/2 Cahuenga Blvd

Los Angeles, CA 90028

Cross Street: Selma

and then in honor of the double-dip, at 10:00 (once it opens), we're heading to:

Hollywood Social Club

1651 Wilcox Ave
Hollywood, CA 90028

Cross Street: Hollywood

Drippy WND

It might be because this past weekend was the anniversary of my bar-mitzvah (thanks for all your cards by the way), but I suddenly found clarity with a long-standing conundrum. Back in 12th grade, my classmate, Brian, chose the following Steve Miller lyric as his quote for his yearbook page:

"Everything's better when wet."

At the time, I was just certain that couldn't be right. I mean, everything? Come on. But for the life of me, I couldn't come up with a single thing to disprove it, so I kept quiet. Until now. Read it and weep, Brian:

Socks.

I'll skip the forced segue involving Wetness and Drinks and Wednesday and you, and just invite you to join us this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

The Bowery

6268 Sunset Blvd
Hollywood, CA 90028

Cross Street: Vine

WND word to the wise

I just don't make small talk with people who are irrelevant.
-- Elvis Costello

I'm not suggesting Mr. Costello will necessarily be at drinks this or any other week, but just in case he ever drops by, treat this quote as a gentle warning. If you feel compelled to rap with the guy about things like the weather or some movie you like, make sure you communicate personal relevance. I cannot emphasize this enough.

Join us for drinks this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

The Other Room

1201 Abbott Kinney Blvd
Venice, CA 90292

Cross Street: San Juan

Big-hair WND

Truants of the world, celebrate. My musical, "Rock Of Ages," has been extended! You have another chance to rock out with your bad selves and selvettes. It's even going to be at an exciting new space you can read all about at www.rockofagesmusical.com. Ticket info's there too.

The dates are March 2nd-18th, but NOTE WELL: I will personally be out of town the 2nd-7th. That gives you the awesome opportunity to see the show twice: once without me in it, and once with.

How sweet is that, you ask?

Almost as sweet as seeing me on "Grey's Anatomy" next Sunday night...

But totally lacking the nectar sweetness of joining Jay and me for drinks this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

Tom Bergin's Tavern

840 S Fairfax Ave
Los Angeles, CA 90036
Cross Street: Del Valle

See you there, sweetness.

P.S. some bonus fun for you:
http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-3862127338788105444&q=matrix+ping+pong

CC: WND

Not only did we have an incredible opening night for Rock Of Ages last night, but I also got the opportunity to rap with C.C. DeVille, lead guitarist of Poison (no joke). As we chatted after the show, I was astonished to learn how identical our early twenties were. While he was rocking out in his first major band (Lace), I was tearing it up at the high school talent show with my own band (Shalom); as he moved on (Roxx Regime), I too found greater artistic freedom in a little college band you may have heard of (The Mellow Tubes); and while he went on to immerse himself in sex, drugs and rock and roll, I proceeded to catch every episode of "Charles In Charge." It's eerie, right? We're pretty much the same guy, so from now on, call me "C.C." Or "B.C.C" if you want to keep it on the dl.

Join Jay and me this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

The Good Luck Bar

1514 Hillhurst Ave
Los Feliz, CA 90027
Cross Street: Hollywood

Don't Stop WNDin'

Yes, there's wnd this week, but before we get to that . . .

I'm in a gi-normously fantastic-alacious show that is so unbelievably hot, you might just pass out and wind up in the hospital dead. Dead I say. (Do I know how to sell a show or what?) It's called "Rock of Ages" -- a rock musical that depicts Hollywood in 1986, dominated by big chords, big dreams and big hair.

Buy tickets immediately at www.rockofagesmusical.com. You can also read more about it and see how smokin' hot I look in my skimpy stripper's outfit. Yowser.

(If you're in the show, don't tell the others about how un-hot I look as the mayor -- I'm just trying to get them to the site. It's called marketing, people. Wake up.)

Join Jay and me this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

Rainbow Bar & Grill

9015 W Sunset Blvd
West Hollywood, CA 90069
Cross Street: Hammond

Rock on.

What's a Rose Bowl, WND?

Did you guys know there was this football game going on last week during WND? It's true. And we picked a sports bar. Pretty bright. I guess the only thing smarter would've been to pick an Irish Pub on St. Patrick's Day. Or Moishe's Mosh Pit on Tu B'Shevat. Or on Arbor Day to pick a... tree... bar. Or on Flag Day to... you get the point. Or maybe you don't. How about you all go through every big event in the calendar year and assign the most inappropriate place to have drinks? Then, ask yourself why you have all that time to spend on such a meaningless activity. Then take a nap, because you're gonna be pretty tired.

All apologies, but kudos to all of you who came out for a drink. Join Jay and me this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

Red Lion Tavern

2366 Glendale Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90039
Cross Street: Brier

Fingers crossed, there's no holiday coming up involving colored lions.