*January 4th*

There it is: a reminder that the same, nagging dilemma you dread every year is upon you... "What am I going to do THIS January 4th?!" Well, problem solved.

Who: Jeremy, Jay and a dazzling array of stars are in...
What: The Los Angeles premiere of "Let Others Suffer" - a feature-length comedy co-starring and co-written by Jeremy.
Where: Beverly Hills Hi-Def Film Festival
Fine Arts Theatre
8556 Wilshire Blvd.
Beverly Hills, CA 90211

Cross Street: La Cienega
When: January 4th, 7:30 pm
Cost: FREE, FREE, RABBSOLUTELY FREE!
RSVP: letotherssuffer@gmail.com or 619-757-6574 (include number attending)
Parking: Allow time for it
Website (with details and a trailer): http://www.letotherssuffer.com/Bevhills2.html

Why: It's 87 minutes of pure joy and the theater provides temporary shelter.
How: You should have a pretty good line on how to transport yourself there at this stage of life.
Whither: I'm not sure what that means. It sounds like whether. Does it mean whether?
Whom: Maybe I should have put my name here instead of at who. I don't really get the whole who vs. whom thing. I think you use whom when you want to sound important.
Qué: I never took Spanish.

Truly, we would love your support and it would mean a great deal to see you there. And yes, you can and should bring others to join you in the suffering -- just be there.

The Gift of WND

Wondering what to get me for the holidays? Just keep the evening of January 4th open and email me your mailing address. We'll worry about what you want later.

Join Jay and me this Wednesday after 9:00 at:

S Bar

6304 Hollywood Blvd
Hollywood, CA 90028
Cross Street: Vine

WEDnesday Night Drinks

That's right, clever unravelers of patently obvious subject lines:
I'm engaged!

Miss Nova will soon become Mrs. Nova Wnd! I figure she should take the event's last name and not mine since we first met at wnd. (No joke.) (Thank goodness it wasn't at Fatburger, right?) She made the fateful trip to 'Ye Coach & Horses' in the Fall of 2005 not expecting to find exactly what the bar name implied: Me. We don't yet have a date, a place or an idea of which song I'm going to breakdance to at the reception, but I can assure you of one thing: none of it will take place during wnd -- I'm not a total nut-bag.

From Nova: "Wow, so this is what it's like being inside a Wnd e-mail. Funny, the font is smaller than I thought it would be, but I like what you've done with the kerning... To all of you who attended the Coach & Horses Wnd two years ago, we'll be recreating that historic night this Wednesday--right down to what everyone was wearing, the drinks, the conversation and the 88-piece symphony orchestra that was playing Beethoven's 9th (in my head). Hope to see you there."

Even though Jay and I can boast we've never repeated a bar in the two-plus years of west coast wnd, we're making an exception this week. Join us this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

Ye Coach & Horses

7617 Sunset Blvd
Hollywood, CA 90046
Cross Street: Curson

Yours in WND

My email closings lack pizzazz. "Thanks," "Later," and "Jeremy" are not representing just how clever and special I am. I've spent the last seventeen hours combing through your emails for inspiration.

* "Cheers" confuses me. Are we suddenly having a drink together? What if the guy I'm emailing is a recovering alcoholic? I also don't know why I'm trying to sound British.

* "Sincerely" always sounds insincere.

* "Best" skips right past 'good' and 'better' to announce perfection, which I admire. It also lets the reader know just how ridiculously busy I am. There simply aren't enough hours in the day for me to plod through "All the Best." Actually, "Bes" might even take less time.

* "Sent from my blackberry" would be cool and trick people into thinking I own a blackberry. How about "Sent from my spaceship"?

While I try to figure something out, join Jay and me this Wednesday after 9:00 at:

Frank N Hank's

518 S Western Ave
Los Angeles, CA 90020
Cross Street: 5th

Yours in bemused resignation,
Jeremy

(adjective) WND

Mad-Lib contest of the week:

________ _____.
 (subject) (verb)

Winner posted next week!

(verb) Jay and me this Wednesday after 9:00 at:

Alibi Room

12236 W Washington Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90066
Cross Street: Campbell

WND original

I've decided to write the most original screenplay of all time. I don't care about plot or character or any other nonsense -- it just has to be original. Here's what I've got so far in the dialogue department (I'll figure out who says what and why later):

"We're not so different, you and I."
"I need you to listen to me VERY CAREFULLY."
"I don't know what's real anymore."
"I won't let you destroy everything I've built."
"I love you."
"The answer's right in front of you."
"This time I'm playing for keeps."
"Looks like he means business."
"Things are about to get interesting."
"Daaaaaaaaaaamn!"

Come join Jay to pat me on the back this Wednesday after 9 pm at:

Baja Cantina

311 Washington Blvd
Marina Del Rey, CA 90292
Cross Street: Pacific

WNDian

Did you know that the adjectival form of writer George Bernard Shaw is Shavian (SHAY-vee-un)? Fascinating. I wish I’d known this earlier, as it would have come in handy in several instances.

Example #1: “When Russell P. Saxton entered the room, the word that leapt to mind was Shavian. After all, he’d arrived at the Halloween costume party dressed as George Bernard Shaw.”

Example #2: “The copy of ‘Pygmalion’ under his arm did nothing for Russell’s George Bernard Shaw costume. In fact, I doubt very highly that the real Shaw would have been caught dead toting around his own play. Very un-Shavian if you ask me.”

Example #3: “After Xavier casually dropped the word ‘Shavian’ into our conversation, I had no choice but to take him out back and beat him.”

Join your Jayvian and Mevian hosts this Wednesday at:

Magnolia

6266 1/2 W Sunset Blvd
Hollywood, CA 90028
Cross Street: Argyle

WND homework

I'm sensing that some of you aren't preparing ahead of time for what you'll talk about at wnd. It feels like you're just showing up and inventing conversation "in the moment." Newsflash: this isn't improv class. Since I can't be sure that you won't bone up on some ordinary topic like a book you read (nerd!), or a movie you saw (illiterate!), I'm assigning an official subject for the night. We shall consider the central philosophical question of our age: "Who among us doesn't love Nascar?" (Assume it's not rhetorical.) Write down everyone you know who doesn't like Nascar (if there are any) and your specific theories as to why not.

Think how ready you'll feel when you join Jay and me this Wednesday after 9:00 at:

Tangier Restaurant & Lounge

2138 Hillhurst Ave
Los Angeles, CA 90027
Cross Street: Los Feliz

The Proverbial WND

Lately, I find myself tiring of the same old proverbs. Every time I reach for one, there they are, the same one about "You can lead a horse to water" or "You can't judge a book by its cover" or the overplayed "You can laugh at a mouse on fire, but who’s laughing when the mouse runs under your petticoats?”

Maybe I don't like being told what I can and can't do, or maybe I'm just bored, but I figured I'd enliven the ol' proverbial stores with some new "classics." I think these are destined to catch on like, well, much like a fire catches on to one's bone-dry petticoats:

"You can't bathe in a cracked tub and ask where all the water went."

"Nyt lisätty myös kaikkien, usein kysyttyä suomalais-ugrilaisista kielistä." (Sorry, it really only makes sense in Finno-Ugric.)

"You can't get kicked out of a lamp store until you've broken every lamp in the place and then blamed it on the lamp store competitor across the street." (Name of lamp store competitor: Silence of the Lamps)

"You can't tell a kid with cancer that the cancer fairy will come and take his cancer away and leave a quarter under his pillow, and later expect to have any kind of credibility."

This Wednesday after 9:00, Jay and I can lead you to, but can't make you drink at:

Venice Whaler Bar & Grill

2-10 Washington Blvd
Venice, CA 90292
Cross Ocean: The Pacific

Bless you, WND

Did you know that Salmon begat Booz of Rachab? Yeah. Just reading up on the bible: you know how it is. I mean, now that I'm officially a REVEREND and all -- oh, did that slip out? It's non-denominational, so my fellow landsmen can chill out, but I will now answer only to Reverend Jeremy or The Right Rev'und Jeremy. If you can believe it, Jay and Kate had me officiate their wedding last week (no joke: click here if you don't believe me, heathen). In order to qualify, I had to go through a grueling ordaining process online that involved giving the Universal Life Church not only my first AND last name, but also my email address. If that weren't enough, I had to click a button labeled "submit" and boy, did I!

Some quick highlights from the wedding: I stepped on the bride's train compelling Kate to knock Jay in the face and give him a bloody lip (true); An elderly woman who asked me to perform her granddaughter's wedding promptly placed my business card in her cleavage (true); I very nearly married Jay to his great-aunt Gertrude, which of course would have been awkward, but in my defense, she's really hot (oh, so true).

As Jay is enjoying his honeymoon this week, please join his holiness this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

Bar Lubitsch

7702 Santa Monica Blvd
West Hollywood, CA 90046
Cross Street: Stanley

Go in peace.

WND on ice

We know it's been a while and we apologize, but new opportunities have presented themselves, and Jay and I feel it's time we expanded our hosting duties. Not that wnd isn't satisfying, you understand, but it's just good to challenge yourself sometimes. So, I've officially submitted a request that we host the 2018 Winter Olympics. I realize that they often bestow that honor on an entire city rather on two random dudes, but I'm confident they'll make an exception. The Luge race, maybe. Or that weird one with the brooms and the ice. I have a broom. (Well, I can get one by 2018.)

Wnd will return in August once Jay has been married. Until then, keep that torch burning...

WND brain-freeze

Once upon a time, Harry S. Trumpet and Yoko Oboe were hopping down the path when all of a sudden... Jesus, am I running out of ideas over here. It's just a damn drinks invite for crying out loud. My brain hurts, people!

Join Jay to rub my temples this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

Bar Noir at Maison 140

140 S Lasky Drive
Beverly Hills, CA 90212
Cross Street: Charleville

WND halftime speech

Look, I could say a lot of things right now: how proud I am of all of you, how I've watched every one of you grow into a warrior, but I don't need to do any of that. You want a piece of that championship? Well, it starts right now. You're going to go out there, give 110 percent and show the world what you're made of. You know what else? You're going to show yourself what you're made of. There's a gleam out there - let's get the gleam. If we die, we die together, but just remember: the score doesn't tell the whole story, it's going to come down to who wants it more, and it's time to play for keeps. I look around this list and I see heart, I see guts, and I see winners. Most of all, I see damn fine people. So, let's go out there and have some fun. Stiffen the sinews and summon up the blood, for this is the dream; this is the moment. Let's huddle up.

Drinks. Wednesday. After 8:30.

Father's Office

1018 Montana Ave
Santa Monica, CA 90403
Cross Street: 10th

Coach

WND spoiler alert

I just found out about the final "Sopranos" episode... it's going to be a total rip-off of the final "M*A*S*H" episode. Can you believe it?! Apparently, news that the Korean War has ended is confirmed, splitting up our merry band of misfits once and for all. The final, haunting image of Paulie's spelled-out message, "I gotta take a leak," brings a bittersweet smile to Tony's face as he flies off in a chopper, no doubt headed to perform countless Groucho imitations and bowel resections in Crabapple Cove. I guess you'd have to be a complete idiot not to see that coming.

Join Jay and me for drinks this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

La Poubelle

5907 Franklin Ave
Los Angeles, CA 90028
Cross Street: Bronson

Jonesing for WND

In honor of this week’s locale, go ahead and dress up as your favorite historical Jones. In fact, don’t just dress up - fully inhabit the character. Commit. You a fan of John Paul Jones? Get your hands on an authentic 18th century naval uniform and get in people’s faces about how you’ve not yet begun to fight until some dude takes you up on your offer and beats the hell out of you. You like Catherine Zeta-Jones? I don’t want some generic Welsh accent - I want the specific regional dialect (Abertwae, not that Tyddewi drivel). I’m going as Barnaby Jones, the fictitious detective portrayed by TV’s Buddy Ebsen. I never watched the show as a kid because the demo target was Women 89-95, so I had to do some research. What I've learned so far is that there were some disturbing episode titles:
“See Some Evil, Do Some Evil”
“To Denise, With Love And Murder”
“Divorce: Murderer’s Style”
“Forfeit By Death”
“Murder In The Key Of C”
“Duet For Dying”
“Death Is The Punchline”
“Venus As In Flytrap”

You’d think little old ladies wouldn’t want to be reminded of death, but if that’s what they want, that’s what they’ll get this Wednesday after 9:00 at:

Jones

7205 Santa Monica Blvd

West Hollywood, CA 90046

Cross Street: Formosa

Park this, WND

I've recently been bombarded with angry messages from an anonymous individual who doesn't appreciate my parking skills. I imagine that when he first sees my vacant car resting comfortably with plenty of room in front of it, he yells loudly. Perhaps he stops passersby to share in his outrage, engaging them in a discussion on the merits of a citizen's arrest. The fury then vomits forth onto the page, where he jots down some choice profanity in deranged scrawl and leaves it on my windshield. What he fails to understand is that obstacles that initially blocked my ability to make forward progress (i.e. garbage cans, motorcycles, other cars, coyotes) are no longer present when this sharp-witted fellow scans the scene. And so I must now engage in leaving angry notes myself on my windshield so as to preemptively calm his mighty passion:

*There was a car in front of me when I parked. Please channel your anger at the government.
*Warning: I've covered my car in an acid film so that anyone who touches it will soon experience deep pain before their hands fall off (I wore protective gloves, so I'll be fine.)
*Where'd you learn how to park? Bad Parking school?! [ed. Granted, not particularly assuaging]
*Where'd you learn how to park? Shithead U.??!! [ed. Ibid.]
*Where is love? Does it fall from skies above? Is it underneath the willow tree that I've been dreaming of?

Make it all better with Jay and me this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

The Edison

2nd St & Main St
Los Angeles, CA 90012
Cross Street: 2nd or Main

I need WND. Stat!

I'm tired of losing arguments because I don't have endless, arcane statistics at my fingertips. Every time I engage in debate, the other guy will invariably drop something like "But 35% of the Pentagon's budget goes to blah blah blah" or "Only 7% of crimes committed within a mile radius of boogity boog ever escalate into blabbity blab." Like I'm supposed to know these facts or I'm a big idiot. Who are these people and why are they memorizing these annoying numbers? I've decided to start making up my own statistics just to keep up:
"Your feeble-mindedness saddens me. You forget that a mere 24.31% of double-jointed fascists think aerosol cans can't hurt the environment just so long as you spray them indoors."
"And did you know that a whopping 67% of high school seniors can't find the planet Earth on a globe?"

Checkmate. 

Parry along with Jay and me this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

72 Market Street

72 Market St (surprise!)
Venice, CA 90291
Cross Street: Pacific

It was called Wednesday Night... something

The phenomenon that started in New York, spread to L.A. (with me), spread to D.C. (with our friend Margaret), makes a quick return to its birthplace this week. I'm in NYC for a few days and would love to see you guys.

Join Mike and me this Wednesday for wnd after 8:30 at:

Park Bar

15 E 15th St
NYC 10003
Cross Street: 5th Ave

It'll be just like old times, only older.

Mind-Bending WND

This is simply amazing. Trust me.

Pick a number from 5 to 9.
Subtract 5.
Multiply by 3.
Square the number (multiply it by itself).
Add the digits in the number together until you get only one digit; i.e. 64: 6 + 4 = 10; 1 + 0= 1.
If the number is less than 5, add five. Otherwise subtract 4.
Multiply it by 2.
Subtract 6.
Give the digit its corresponding letter in the alphabet (for example: 1=A, 2=B, 3=C, 4=D...26=Z, etc).
Pick a name of a country (NOT A STATE) that begins with that letter.
Take the second letter in the country name and think of a mammal that begins with that letter.
Think of the most common color of that mammal.
Did you get a BROWNISH, OFF-YELLOW/BUFF WITH BLACK SPOTS JAGUAR FROM DJIBOUTI?? How incredible is that?! I just don't understand how they do it.

Come share your amazement with Jay and me this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

4100 Bar

4100 Sunset Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90026
Cross Street: Manzanita

WND's cup size

It's Spring again and time for Fantasy Baseball. I'll assume that every single one of you participates in, and indeed, is commissioner of your very own league just like me. Therefore, I don't need to remind you of the importance of not only convincing people to join in, but also motivating them to stay competitive throughout the year. Since I'm a 5-year veteran, I feel I'm in a position to offer some advice on how to achieve these goals, pump up the stakes and frankly leave the world a better place than you found it.

Forget about financial incentives or creative team names: all you need is a great trophy. For my league, "Diamond Dogs," we offer "The Double D Cup," a resplendent beacon of truth, honor and excellence. I include photos from last year's trophy ceremony when I presented the cup to the winner (none other then our very own Jay). I trust these images will inspire you to greatness, and perhaps even to greatestness.

Join Jay and me this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

Sapphire Lounge

11938 Ventura Blvd (yes, we're finally coming to the valley!)
Studio City, CA 91604
Cross Street: Carpenter

Jeremy (The Commish)

WND of rabbinical proportions

I've officially run out of ideas for my scrolling screensaver. Tonight, I must retire the final gem -- "Jeremy Rocks" -- since it has reached the mandatory retirement age of 65 weeks. How, I wonder, shall I now preserve my precious monitor? What could possibly add to the greasy fingerprints and inches of dust that already "protect" it? Certainly not that 3D pipes crap. I just can't imagine anything approaching the inspirational masterpieces that have trot across my monitor lo these many years:

"Jeremy's the Man"

"Jeremy's 'da Man"

"Turn and face the strange: J-J-Jeremy"

"Have a holly, Jeremy Christmas"

"Rabb in an Elevator"

"Rabble-Rouser"

"Rabba-Dabba-Do"

"DJ Rabbi Rabb"

"To sleep, perchance to dream: ay, there's the Rabb"

"You can't spell Scrabble without R-A-B-B"

"Rabb me two times, baby; Rabb me twice today"

"Ow! Your bullet hit me right in the Rabbdomen"

"Rabbsolutely Rabbulous"

and finally,

"Sic Transit Gloria Mundi"

Maybe I'll just do a photo slideshow of my nephew's bris. Until then, join Jay and me this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

The Derby

4500 Los Feliz Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90027
Cross Street: Hillhurst
($5 dollar cover)

WND!!!

J: Put down those flash cards, you sad sack, 'cause there's a neater way to learn words. Mnemonics! Yeah! The first "m" is silent! Yeah! "Supercilious" means arrogant and superior like a SUPER SILLY ASS! Who-hoo! You try one!

S: Uh...

J: All right! "Gregarious" means outgoing. I know a guy named GREG who's really outgoing! Awesome! Now you try one!

S: But I don't know anyone named Greg. How is that supposed to help me?

J: Do one!

S: Would you relax?

J: Words are fun!

S: Yeah, I get it. You're excited about words.

J: Join the fun!

S: Jesus, you look like you're about to hyperventilate. All those exclamation points.

J: Wheeeeee!!!

S: Okay. "Epistemological" concerns the theory of the nature of knowledge, especially with reference to its limits and validity. "Episteme" comes from the Greek for knowledge. Actually, I think it's "epistanai."

J: Boring!

S: Breaking it down even further, "epi" as a prefix means-

J: Boring!

S: Look, I'm just giving you the root.

J: Boring! Boring!! Boring!!!

S: Stop saying that!

J: Hey, you used an exclamation point! Nice going!

S: What is your problem? I thought roots were important. Why are you jumping up and down on the table?

J: Boing! Boing! Boing! "Epistemological" has "logical" in it, so you can think of logic or knowledge. Or how about "The Logical Song" by Supertramp?! (singing) "Feel you're acceptable, respectable, oh presentable, a vegetable!"

S: What the hell are you talking about? 

J: (hanging from the chandelier) Could we have kippers for Breakfast, Mommy dear, Mommy dear?!!

----

Just giving you an update on how my tutoring sessions have been going. It's tough keeping up the kids' energy like that, but I'm a professional. 

Learn from the best this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

Boulevard Lounge

1114 N Crescent Heights Blvd
West Hollywood, CA 90046
Cross Street: Santa Monica

Jeremy
P.S. "J" of course stood for "Jeremy," and S stood for "Mohammed Soleimani, Iran's Minister of Communication & Information Technology," not "Student." Duh.)

Ave WND

Even though I'm not Catholic, I've decided to enter into the spirit of Lent this year. Since it's apparently all about giving up stuff, I've decided that for 40 long days, I shall give up personal sacrifice. Or maybe I'll just give up altogether. Wish me luck.

Join Jay and me this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

Beauty Bar

1638 N Cahuenga Blvd
Hollywood, CA 90028
Cross Street: Hollywood

WND looks to the stars

My birthday, which just passed, is always a day for self-analysis: Who am I? Why am I here? What does it all mean? For nearly 8 seconds, I focus on such universal questions before my brain shuts down and I downshift to a more manageable query: Do I connect with the celebrities who share my birthday, and if so, what can they teach me about myself?

Barbi Benton - Playboy Playmate of the 70's

There's overlap in our ineffable, raw sexuality, but she was a regular on "Hee-Haw," so "source of self-knowledge" isn’t exactly flashing in neon.

Susan Sontag - Novelist and Essayist

Well, I had to write a bunch of essays in high school. I remember hating to do the one about what I did over the summer. I remember lying, feeling the pressure of hiding the fact that I just watched reruns of "Quincy." But really: what's so terrible about chilling out in August? I'm sorry if TV and sleeping isn't exciting enough for class discussion. Looks like Susan's only good for bringing up crappy memories.

Jackson Pollock - Painter

Arthur Rubinstein - Pianist

Mikhail Baryshnikov - Dancer
Could this mean I too am a brilliant artist? What if the magic of the day is only particular to those specific fields? My painting is derivative/nonexistent, I refuse to touch any of the white keys when I play the piano, and the critics universally panned my one-man ballet based on Kofi Annan’s tenure as Secretary-General. Nothing to learn from these guys.

John Banner - Schultz on "Hogan's Heroes"
His most famous line was "I know nothing! I see nothing! Nothing!" Not bad. I can empathize with that self-assessment. A little nihilistic, but also kind of comforting in its simplicity. Don't take yourself too seriously. Takes the edge off getting a year older. I should've known the answer would come from a fictional sitcom character.

Join Jay and me this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

Voda

1449 2nd St
Santa Monica, CA 90401

Cross Street: Santa Monica

Eponymous WND

Finally, a bar that I can feel at home in.

Join Jeremy and me this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

Village Idiot

7383 Melrose Ave
Los Angeles, CA 90046
Cross Street: Martel

[ed. I didn't write my own invite, since Jay's was impossible to improve on.]

WND and two-fifths

You can quit worrying about my living situation -- I finally found a place. My new address is... actually let's just focus on the street number for now since it requires some analysis:

808 2/5

That's 808 and 2/5. As in two-fifths. As in 2 over 5. As in the IQ of the numbering overlord assigned to my street. Apartment #2 would have been the obvious choice, but apparently integers really bugged this guy. Maybe he had some weird experience as a kid or something. I'll admit I'm not crazy about every single integer I've come across, and I do hate when people mispronounce the word "integral" by saying "in-TEH-gruhl" instead of "INT-uh-gruhl," but that's about as much as I can relate.

Here's the conversation I had with my bank rep today:
"Did you say your new street number is 808 and Doofus?"
"No. 808 and TWO-FIFTHS."
"Because 'Doofus' isn't a street number we recognize."
"Yeah, I can understand that. But what I said was TWO-FIFTHS. Like the fraction."
"The what?"
"The fraction. You know, 2 divided by 5?"
"You asking me what's 2 divided by 5?"

I hesitate to stray even slightly from the official designation for fear that my monthly editions of Windplayer Magazine will forever be lost in post office purgatory. So if you're sending me something, be precise. Don't be cute and write ".4" even though you prefer working in decimal form. Likewise, unless you're convinced that my mailman is a math buff, none of that "6/15" or "10/25" knowing that each reduces to "2/5" (s.a.t. math at work, baby). A postcard mislabeled "2/7" might so incapacitate him that he'll be unable to navigate the .114285714286 units to my actual mailbox.

With that in mind, join us this Wednesday after 8:30 at a slightly easier address to remember:

Bigfoot Lodge

3172 Los Feliz Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90039

Cross Street: Glenfeliz