Mind-Bending WND

This is simply amazing. Trust me.

Pick a number from 5 to 9.
Subtract 5.
Multiply by 3.
Square the number (multiply it by itself).
Add the digits in the number together until you get only one digit; i.e. 64: 6 + 4 = 10; 1 + 0= 1.
If the number is less than 5, add five. Otherwise subtract 4.
Multiply it by 2.
Subtract 6.
Give the digit its corresponding letter in the alphabet (for example: 1=A, 2=B, 3=C, 4=D...26=Z, etc).
Pick a name of a country (NOT A STATE) that begins with that letter.
Take the second letter in the country name and think of a mammal that begins with that letter.
Think of the most common color of that mammal.
Did you get a BROWNISH, OFF-YELLOW/BUFF WITH BLACK SPOTS JAGUAR FROM DJIBOUTI?? How incredible is that?! I just don't understand how they do it.

Come share your amazement with Jay and me this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

4100 Bar

4100 Sunset Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90026
Cross Street: Manzanita

WND's cup size

It's Spring again and time for Fantasy Baseball. I'll assume that every single one of you participates in, and indeed, is commissioner of your very own league just like me. Therefore, I don't need to remind you of the importance of not only convincing people to join in, but also motivating them to stay competitive throughout the year. Since I'm a 5-year veteran, I feel I'm in a position to offer some advice on how to achieve these goals, pump up the stakes and frankly leave the world a better place than you found it.

Forget about financial incentives or creative team names: all you need is a great trophy. For my league, "Diamond Dogs," we offer "The Double D Cup," a resplendent beacon of truth, honor and excellence. I include photos from last year's trophy ceremony when I presented the cup to the winner (none other then our very own Jay). I trust these images will inspire you to greatness, and perhaps even to greatestness.

Join Jay and me this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

Sapphire Lounge

11938 Ventura Blvd (yes, we're finally coming to the valley!)
Studio City, CA 91604
Cross Street: Carpenter

Jeremy (The Commish)

WND of rabbinical proportions

I've officially run out of ideas for my scrolling screensaver. Tonight, I must retire the final gem -- "Jeremy Rocks" -- since it has reached the mandatory retirement age of 65 weeks. How, I wonder, shall I now preserve my precious monitor? What could possibly add to the greasy fingerprints and inches of dust that already "protect" it? Certainly not that 3D pipes crap. I just can't imagine anything approaching the inspirational masterpieces that have trot across my monitor lo these many years:

"Jeremy's the Man"

"Jeremy's 'da Man"

"Turn and face the strange: J-J-Jeremy"

"Have a holly, Jeremy Christmas"

"Rabb in an Elevator"

"Rabble-Rouser"

"Rabba-Dabba-Do"

"DJ Rabbi Rabb"

"To sleep, perchance to dream: ay, there's the Rabb"

"You can't spell Scrabble without R-A-B-B"

"Rabb me two times, baby; Rabb me twice today"

"Ow! Your bullet hit me right in the Rabbdomen"

"Rabbsolutely Rabbulous"

and finally,

"Sic Transit Gloria Mundi"

Maybe I'll just do a photo slideshow of my nephew's bris. Until then, join Jay and me this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

The Derby

4500 Los Feliz Blvd
Los Angeles, CA 90027
Cross Street: Hillhurst
($5 dollar cover)

WND!!!

J: Put down those flash cards, you sad sack, 'cause there's a neater way to learn words. Mnemonics! Yeah! The first "m" is silent! Yeah! "Supercilious" means arrogant and superior like a SUPER SILLY ASS! Who-hoo! You try one!

S: Uh...

J: All right! "Gregarious" means outgoing. I know a guy named GREG who's really outgoing! Awesome! Now you try one!

S: But I don't know anyone named Greg. How is that supposed to help me?

J: Do one!

S: Would you relax?

J: Words are fun!

S: Yeah, I get it. You're excited about words.

J: Join the fun!

S: Jesus, you look like you're about to hyperventilate. All those exclamation points.

J: Wheeeeee!!!

S: Okay. "Epistemological" concerns the theory of the nature of knowledge, especially with reference to its limits and validity. "Episteme" comes from the Greek for knowledge. Actually, I think it's "epistanai."

J: Boring!

S: Breaking it down even further, "epi" as a prefix means-

J: Boring!

S: Look, I'm just giving you the root.

J: Boring! Boring!! Boring!!!

S: Stop saying that!

J: Hey, you used an exclamation point! Nice going!

S: What is your problem? I thought roots were important. Why are you jumping up and down on the table?

J: Boing! Boing! Boing! "Epistemological" has "logical" in it, so you can think of logic or knowledge. Or how about "The Logical Song" by Supertramp?! (singing) "Feel you're acceptable, respectable, oh presentable, a vegetable!"

S: What the hell are you talking about? 

J: (hanging from the chandelier) Could we have kippers for Breakfast, Mommy dear, Mommy dear?!!

----

Just giving you an update on how my tutoring sessions have been going. It's tough keeping up the kids' energy like that, but I'm a professional. 

Learn from the best this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

Boulevard Lounge

1114 N Crescent Heights Blvd
West Hollywood, CA 90046
Cross Street: Santa Monica

Jeremy
P.S. "J" of course stood for "Jeremy," and S stood for "Mohammed Soleimani, Iran's Minister of Communication & Information Technology," not "Student." Duh.)