I've recently been bombarded with angry messages from an anonymous individual who doesn't appreciate my parking skills. I imagine that when he first sees my vacant car resting comfortably with plenty of room in front of it, he yells loudly. Perhaps he stops passersby to share in his outrage, engaging them in a discussion on the merits of a citizen's arrest. The fury then vomits forth onto the page, where he jots down some choice profanity in deranged scrawl and leaves it on my windshield. What he fails to understand is that obstacles that initially blocked my ability to make forward progress (i.e. garbage cans, motorcycles, other cars, coyotes) are no longer present when this sharp-witted fellow scans the scene. And so I must now engage in leaving angry notes myself on my windshield so as to preemptively calm his mighty passion:
*There was a car in front of me when I parked. Please channel your anger at the government.
*Warning: I've covered my car in an acid film so that anyone who touches it will soon experience deep pain before their hands fall off (I wore protective gloves, so I'll be fine.)
*Where'd you learn how to park? Bad Parking school?! [ed. Granted, not particularly assuaging]
*Where'd you learn how to park? Shithead U.??!! [ed. Ibid.]
*Where is love? Does it fall from skies above? Is it underneath the willow tree that I've been dreaming of?
Make it all better with Jay and me this Wednesday after 8:30 at:
The Edison
2nd St & Main St
Los Angeles, CA 90012
Cross Street: 2nd or Main
