WND homework

I'm sensing that some of you aren't preparing ahead of time for what you'll talk about at wnd. It feels like you're just showing up and inventing conversation "in the moment." Newsflash: this isn't improv class. Since I can't be sure that you won't bone up on some ordinary topic like a book you read (nerd!), or a movie you saw (illiterate!), I'm assigning an official subject for the night. We shall consider the central philosophical question of our age: "Who among us doesn't love Nascar?" (Assume it's not rhetorical.) Write down everyone you know who doesn't like Nascar (if there are any) and your specific theories as to why not.

Think how ready you'll feel when you join Jay and me this Wednesday after 9:00 at:

Tangier Restaurant & Lounge

2138 Hillhurst Ave
Los Angeles, CA 90027
Cross Street: Los Feliz

The Proverbial WND

Lately, I find myself tiring of the same old proverbs. Every time I reach for one, there they are, the same one about "You can lead a horse to water" or "You can't judge a book by its cover" or the overplayed "You can laugh at a mouse on fire, but who’s laughing when the mouse runs under your petticoats?”

Maybe I don't like being told what I can and can't do, or maybe I'm just bored, but I figured I'd enliven the ol' proverbial stores with some new "classics." I think these are destined to catch on like, well, much like a fire catches on to one's bone-dry petticoats:

"You can't bathe in a cracked tub and ask where all the water went."

"Nyt lisätty myös kaikkien, usein kysyttyä suomalais-ugrilaisista kielistä." (Sorry, it really only makes sense in Finno-Ugric.)

"You can't get kicked out of a lamp store until you've broken every lamp in the place and then blamed it on the lamp store competitor across the street." (Name of lamp store competitor: Silence of the Lamps)

"You can't tell a kid with cancer that the cancer fairy will come and take his cancer away and leave a quarter under his pillow, and later expect to have any kind of credibility."

This Wednesday after 9:00, Jay and I can lead you to, but can't make you drink at:

Venice Whaler Bar & Grill

2-10 Washington Blvd
Venice, CA 90292
Cross Ocean: The Pacific

Bless you, WND

Did you know that Salmon begat Booz of Rachab? Yeah. Just reading up on the bible: you know how it is. I mean, now that I'm officially a REVEREND and all -- oh, did that slip out? It's non-denominational, so my fellow landsmen can chill out, but I will now answer only to Reverend Jeremy or The Right Rev'und Jeremy. If you can believe it, Jay and Kate had me officiate their wedding last week (no joke: click here if you don't believe me, heathen). In order to qualify, I had to go through a grueling ordaining process online that involved giving the Universal Life Church not only my first AND last name, but also my email address. If that weren't enough, I had to click a button labeled "submit" and boy, did I!

Some quick highlights from the wedding: I stepped on the bride's train compelling Kate to knock Jay in the face and give him a bloody lip (true); An elderly woman who asked me to perform her granddaughter's wedding promptly placed my business card in her cleavage (true); I very nearly married Jay to his great-aunt Gertrude, which of course would have been awkward, but in my defense, she's really hot (oh, so true).

As Jay is enjoying his honeymoon this week, please join his holiness this Wednesday after 8:30 at:

Bar Lubitsch

7702 Santa Monica Blvd
West Hollywood, CA 90046
Cross Street: Stanley

Go in peace.